My now ex-spouse, having left me at ground zero in the management of money, appeared to live WELL in capital letters. His invalid mother, part of the taker-clan, was cared for and supplied with needs and extras by the ex-spouse. She would let me know of their marvelous culinary expeditions - all while I struggled to pay for the barest minimum of groceries. Moving back to my house which I refused to sell to fuel his clan's dreams, I was unable to ask for societal aid due to his income within our "married" state.
I chose - and it was my decision - to work for a pittance to aid my daughter by supplying child care as she, too, scrambled arduously to regain her footing in life after being abandoned by her spouse. The feeling of sheer horror took new dimensions under the shame of naiveté in believing the promises of being reimbursed during the continual flow of crises. The wake-up evaluation came from working pro-se to offer my side of the equation in the divorce proceedings. The time in providing reasonable exhibits was honored by the clerk of court, but totally ignored by the judge's law clerk. Because I had been left without transportation to make the trek to the courtroom of venue, the ex's word was accepted as truthful. It appeared under his testimony that our marriage had been short and without financial devastation to me. Much to my surprise, the paperwork showed that we had been "separated" for over a year. I had found no attorney willing to work with me. My economic plight could not have been appealing, nor was the fact that my now-ex was in the midst of bankruptcy proceedings.
Why in the world would I share that I had to go "on the dole" for a bit? Because everywhere I looked, it appeared my situation was far from the norm. Now, as I have climbed a frightening path toward visual acuity and returned to the land of joy and possibility, I see that my perception was askew. I believe we are embarrassed by our predicament and we need to openly hold that "light at the end of the tunnel" to others who are just awaking to the Alice-in-Wonderland's dreadfully repugnant feel of this screwball turn in life's domain.
Other excursions may surprise us and even leave us urgently struggling with difficulties. But this particular jaunt through the bowels of the Twilight Zone struck at the well of my psyche - hopes, dreams, belief systems, and even the personal description of myself.
Life, however, DOES grow finer, happier, more fulfilling, and even more honorable. This has served as an unbelievable vaccination against a deficiency in worldly wisdom. The credulity that there is goodness in all, for me, had to be examined. This doesn't make the fun-house ride any longer terrifying. Oddly enough, I now feel the "potentiality" of choice and discern deep within my connection to this grand universe of universes that life is meant to be an exquisite quest. Always to learn more about ourselves and boundaries.
Today I love to experience the giddy feel of New Age ok-ness, but I am now a show-me-the-proof kind of gal. Show me the track record. Permit the graph of life's lessons to come forward. This ordeal with someone and his attachments on this eccentric continuum of narcissism-to-psychopathy has reshaped me. Finally, perhaps, I am able to trust that inner voice. It's no longer a whisper, but a siren blaring "look out, Will Robinson!" At long last, I have come to look farther than the hood of my car while driving on that "yellow brick road." Accountability...and for my own selections of option.
Emotions and chaos have indeed taken a rather hefty toll on this old body. As I look at my teeth in a cup, ace bandage for banged-up knee from working as the clan's hired hand, and that ever present mirror's image of Aunt Bea, I am no longer the "wannabe" warrior hoping to make a difference. I AM that legionnaire on the highway to Xanadu. The humor arises in recognizing myself as this outwardly bedraggled specimen. In the movie, "The Mirror Has Two Faces." the protagonist's mother says, "I look in the mirror and I'm old, but I still feel like a kid." I do, too, and that's my soul speaking.
From "Star Trek" Captains, "Engage...left at the first star."
"I am so very proud of you.
Now, as you embark on this new journey,
I'd like to share this one piece of advice.
Always, always remember that adversity is not a detour.
It is part of the path." ~ Richard Paul Evans
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